he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
