he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
