Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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