Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
