If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
