I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
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