Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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