I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
