He uses pillows to masturbate.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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