really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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