I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
