i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
