you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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