im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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