Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
false alarm, still single
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
