I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
