I faked an abortion last night.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
