If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
