His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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