Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
