You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
