You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
