My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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