He uses pillows to masturbate.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
