I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
