Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
