You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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