I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's never too late to be topless.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
