R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
