i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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