If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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