Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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