Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
