ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
