she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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