I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
