hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
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I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
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What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.