Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
