i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize