It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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