I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
