You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
