I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
