She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
