I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
