Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
