the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
