those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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