I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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