sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
