by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
