Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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