I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
