Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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