I think my vagina is haunted
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
