DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
