i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.