that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
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"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
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You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.