i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
