GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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